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How I Sabotaged Finding Love After Divorce

“Over four years, I let these men take me out, take me on vacation, and even take me to bed. What I did not do is allow them to take my heart,” said Lindy Ensey. “I liked these men and cared for them, maybe even fleetingly loved them but I wasn’t all in. And it took me until now to realize why,” she said.

Relationship Sabotage

“First and foremost, I sabotaged these relationships not because I was still grieving my marriage nor did I want my ex-husband back,” said Lindy. In fact, she knew after about 6 months that getting divorced was the best decision she had made. She believed these relationships didn’t work out because marriage, children, and divorce had changed her. “Things didn’t work out with my list of men because I didn’t want it to–until now,” Lindy opened up to Divorce Mag.

Over the last 3 years, Lindy had a secret crush on her twin sons’ soccer coach. “Of course, I never acted upon this crush. Another woman had slept with my husband; I wasn’t going to put his wife through that pain nor did I want something romantic,” confessed Lindy. She simply was drawn to his personality. So while watching her sons interact with the adorable, kind, funny, coach I often allowed herself to daydream (while sitting next to her ex-husband.) The courtship would begin with her handing out snacks after the game and he reaches for one and instead, her hand is empty. “He doesn’t remove his hand, but instead lifts mine to his lips and puts an ever so gentle kiss on the back of my hand, all the while holding my gaze,” said Lindy. All too quickly, her reverie is interrupted with the blow of the ref’s whistle and the sneaking feeling that she has been caught fantasizing. And coincidence or not, she was often met by the gaze of his cranky wife sitting directly across the field.

“Although I often wondered why such a nice, charismatic, and handsome man would want this woman as his mate, I certainly never, ever wanted their marriage to fail. I have learned the hard way that there are two sides to every story and that very often we see what we want to see. However, this time, I may have been right on, but not for the reason I expected,” said Lindy to Divorce Mag.

His ex-wife, (the one I naively deemed bitter and cold) told him after ten years of marriage that she was a lesbian and was leaving him for her girlfriend. I knew the pain and trust issues I had to overcome in my own journey, but his story—well, damn, it paled in comparison to mine.

About nine months ago, Lindy’s dreamy coach got divorced. “Of course, I was so wrapped up in the yo-yo process of beginning to date a new man after breaking up with another, that I failed to take notice of my McDreamy,” she said. After a month of texting, sharing our stories by phone, Lindy and her coach went on a date.

Cognitive Dissonance

Lindy said, “One of the most disillusioning moments in divorce is realizing you didn’t truly know the person you were married to. We think we know them, what they are capable of, their hopes and dreams, —and then, not so much. Poof! They show a side you don’t recognize. This dissonance is scary as hell.”

“And, the fear is compounded when you have kids. There is the constant internal conversation. “Am I doing what is best for the kids?” that is followed by “Don’t I deserve a more fulfilling life?” “Will I find love again?” And more specifically to me “How many men until I get to the center of the tootsie roll?” Translation: “After four and a half years of dating, when will I meet a man whose inside is even better than his outside?””

“Am I doing what is best for the kids?” that is followed by “Don’t I deserve a more fulfilling life?” “Will I find love again?” And more specifically to me “How many men until I get to the center of the tootsie roll?” Translation: “After four and a half years of dating, when will I meet a man whose inside is even better than his outside?”

That is followed by “Don’t I deserve a more fulfilling life?” “Will I find love again?” And more specifically to me “How many men until I get to the center of the tootsie roll?” Translation: “After four and a half years of dating, when will I meet a man whose inside is even better than his outside?”

And more specifically for Lindy, “How many men until I get to the center of the tootsie roll?” Translation: “After four and a half years of dating, when will I meet a man whose inside is even better than his outside?”

Translation: “After four and a half years of dating, when will I meet a man whose inside is even better than his outside?”

Lindy’s newly divorced coach wants to proceed with caution. “And we certainly will. But what I so wish I could explain to him is that there is not really a right or wrong way to date, to let your heart open, to believe in the future. But what we can know, is ourselves. And I know that when the dessert tray is brought out, I know which one I will desire, savor, and return to again and again. No rhyme or reason has ever made me fall; it’s magic for me.”

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By | 2017-10-21T16:48:53+00:00 October 21st, 2017|Categories: Love After Divorce|Tags: , |Comments Off on How I Sabotaged Finding Love After Divorce
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