Who can forget the feeling you get before going on a first date? It evokes an array of emotions. From the excitement of meeting someone new to the nerve-racking feeling of having to put yourself out there in the hopes of finding love. Hence why it is not uncommon to go on a date focusing entirely on our own insecurities – Am I interesting? Will they find me attractive? Enjoyable to be around? Will they want to see me again? But when you spend the majority of the date trying to impress a stranger, you fail to find out if your date has the qualities that you desire in a potential partner. You walk away unsure if you even like this person enough to go on a second date. That’s why it’s absolutely necessary to find out these five things about your date before the end of the night. You then get to decide if there is something there worth pursuing.
What are their core values
A first date gives you plenty of opportunity to ask questions and find out more about the person sitting across from you. Aside from discussing hobbies and what they do in their spare time, it’s important to dig a little deeper to discover what their core values are and if they are compatible with your core values. “Core values in a relationship are the guiding beliefs that direct your words and actions; your perspective about yourself and other individuals and the world around you. Core values are the foundation of how you live your life.” says Psychologist Kirsten Fuller. Common examples of core values are trust, family, religion, gender roles and loyalty to name a few. A relationship built on compatible core values allows you and your significant other to face relationship challenges and issues (which are bound to arise) together, as you are armed with the same foundation. Not sure what to ask to subtly find out what your dates core values are? Here are some engaging questions you could start with.
- What do you value most in your life?
- What’s your idea of a perfect day?
- What would you do with your time if money was no object?
What are they looking for
Throw out the dating rule book of only finding out what your dates intentions are after a few weeks of getting to know each other. It might feel daunting to approach the subject of what they are looking for on the very first date, but it’s always best to know right off the bat that you are both on the same page. According to Couples Therapist, Kari Tumminia “If you’re looking for a committed, monogamous relationship but your date wants to keep things casual, you might need to take a step back and consider whether or not they can meet your emotional needs right now. Alternatively, if you discover you’re both open to the idea of a serious relationship, then you’re likely to feel more comfortable bringing up the topic of commitment and exclusivity further down the line as you progress.” Thankfully, all Ideal clients are here for the same reason – to find themselves in a long term relationship with their ideal partner.
What are their plans for the near future
Imagine meeting someone who seems to tick all the right boxes and a month later learning that they plan on moving interstate or overseas. We can guarantee that you might already feel emotionally involved and am devastated that you hadn’t found out this crucial information earlier. “It’s perfectly reasonable to work together to accommodate your lifestyles to fit your relationship once you’ve been together for a while, but when you first start seeing someone, you need to make sure that your future and their future are going to be aligned long enough to actually be able to get to that point.” Averi Clements said to Bustle.
What is their lifestyle like
You can learn a lot about someone’s lifestyle, if you listen closely to what they are telling you. If your date currently works in health care as a nurse or Doctor or works as an IT specialist for an International organisation then there is a high probability that they work odd hours. “If you’re hoping to start a relationship with someone whose schedule is completely incompatible with yours, you’d better be OK with spending lots of time apart from your new beau. There are some couples who do really well with only seeing each other for an hour every week, and there are others who would prefer to spend every waking moment with their S.O. Just make sure you know what you want before committing to anything serious,” says Clements. We spend a lot of effort getting to know and understanding our clients at Ideal Introductions and this is absolutely critical in our Compatibility Matching process.
What type of emotional baggage do they carry
Everyone carries some degree of emotional baggage. To live a life without any pain, heartbreak or disappointment is the story of fairy tales. What really matters is what we do with these past experiences – do we learn and grow from them or do we use them as excuses, resentments and derive negative energy from the situation.
It might seem tricky to find out what type of emotional baggage someone carries on the first date but enquiring whether there are children (with an ex) in the picture or who they live with (shared mortgage with an ex?) or if they see their family often are all reasonable questions to ask. How they respond to these questions can give you a clear indication of their relationship with their ex and family. This can tell you if they carry 5 full bags of emotional baggage or a sensible sized bag of baggage. You then get to decide if you have enough room emotionally to take on what they carry.